Putting in the Work
According to Psychology Today, the divorce rate for couples who have a special needs child is as high as 87%. While this number was found via a survey, it’s safe to say that a special needs child can elevate stressors on a relationship. There’s multiple appointments during the week that a couple must navigate, there’s the stress of everyday care taking, and there’s the stress of just living a life differently from what you had imagined.
The fact of the matter is, that relationships take time and they take effort. One of the first questions I ever posed on an Angelman Syndrome Facebook page was how I could better support my wife. I got some great advice from couples who were further down the road than we were. A major theme I heard, was having time away from Maddie, just to continue dating each other while married.
While we haven’t been perfect, Nicole and I really have taken this to heart. We try to find time together, even if it is just a quick dinner. Our family and friends have been wonderful in forcing us to do this. Nicole’s cousins stopped by our house one Saturday, the next thing we knew they were practically shoving us out of the door so that we could go out on a date.
It’s not that we didn’t want to go out on a date, it’s that we didn’t want to impose on anyone. Maddie is a sweetheart, but she is a handful at the same time. We never want to impose. I think many people don’t like to ask for help or a favor. It’s even more difficult to ask for help, when your child has a strict medication schedule or when they could have a seizure at any time.
We are so thankful to have the support system that we have. Nicole and I realized we haven’t had a weekend getaway since before Maddie’s diagnosis. Maddie’s granny was kind enough to watch our little one while we took a quick trip to Chicago. The time for Nicole and I to reconnect was invaluable. Also the bonding that Maddie and her granny were able to have was perfect.
Time together is a great way for Nicole and I to stay connected, but it’s not all that I do to be the best partner that I can be. I take time out to educate myself. This blog and the podcast is a great way for me to become more familiar with Angelman Syndrome. I’m also trying to improve myself as well.
I do this in a few ways. I’m involved with an Angelman Syndrome specific dad’s call. On this call I can vent my frustrations, laugh at the things our children do, and connect with dads who understand my struggle. I’m also involved with a men’s group that meets every couple of months here in Muskegon. I’m able to connect with men of every age group and every demographic. I’m able to learn and be in a space that is judgement free.
I know in order to be the best husband, I need to be present but I also need to grow. I need to still date my wife as well. It can be difficult to try to grow in multiple areas while trying to take care of the day to day tasks of life. I am so thankful for all of you who have offered to help. The only thing I ask of you, is to hold me accountable and make sure I take you up on those offers.
Written by: Adam Birchmeier
